What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 08:16
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
I said to her
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When she asked me how she looked .
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was very sick at this time too.
I have no regrets .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I could never make a relationship work though!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My family never makes their pension either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Would this be the day?
Who then, do I blame.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
All the time i was locked up.
She found it foreign!.
I will be 64.
I think the readers, may guess!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He knew the spot.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I waited trembling.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My life is so biszare .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
She loved him until the end.
So whats the point in blame.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is soul school!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Ive learnt so much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We all went to grammer schools
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Comes on , in middle age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She married twice! .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was in good health!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What did i know ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I write beautiful poetry .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was seconnd youngest,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Put me off passion for life!!
I was scared of men, in general
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im still living with it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It was going to be , some day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So, i spoilt her more .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i do to all so called friends.?